GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
