my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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