Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
