he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
