sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
