So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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