I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
