At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
