I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize