i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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