I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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