omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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