You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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