Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
