You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
