This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
