Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
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I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
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I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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