If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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