And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
