wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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