He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
