Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
