So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
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Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
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He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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