Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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