can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
