So drunk its hurt
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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