he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
