Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
