I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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