her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
