i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
