he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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