i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
