sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
