I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
