God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
