Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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