Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
