Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
