I'm so fucking centered right now
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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