My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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