she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
