Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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