I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
