just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
