i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
