I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
