Pappa wants mamma naked
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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