I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
