Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
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Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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