Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
