I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
