Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
