I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
