My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
