I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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